Glad You Ask Which Of My Ex-Boyfriends F*cked Me Best

Oscar 38, from Chile

‍Do you know the Italian hand motion for a man’s dick size? Imagine your hand forming an L with the thumb towards the ceiling. This means small men have big dicks. The other way around, so the pointing finger up, suggests that tall men have small dicks. Obviously, this rule was made up of Italian short men with little dicks to mislead everybody.

But sometimes, they are right. Like in the case of Oscar, my tall Chilean fling.

The very first time we ended up in my bed together, we had a few drinks too many. So things got wild fast. I remember lying on my belly while he was licking my asshole out from behind. I love this kind of stuff, although I usually need a bit more runway to lift off a plane like that.

Also, I had no idea in which state I had left the area, so I was a bit nervous. Not that I would be the type to leave a stain on white towels, but if I know he might come through the backdoor, I make sure the room he’ll enter is immaculate and smells like roses. We shall not scare people away who are ready to go there. We want to keep them around forever.

After we fucked a couple of days later, I understood why this magician had some tongue tricks up his sleeve. His best friend is small and wonky.

There is only so many tricks one can pull to keep a wonky friend out of trouble, so our fling only last about two months.

Micha, 45, German

‍Today, when I think of him, I can literally hear Jim Morrison sing: ‘C’mon baby, light my fire, everything you drop is so tired.’ He was an independent finance guru, which first impressed me enough to ignore how boring he was in bed.

His dick was average, but always super hard. Comparing it with a carrot wouldn’t have been unfair. That’s the best compliment I can give him. He didn’t like it if I moved my hips during sex, because he wanted to be in charge. Although his act of self-expression never lasted longer than five minutes, and in 9 out of 10 cases, I didn’t come. You see, leaving leadership to him was a disaster for the team. I was doing the job of two. If I ever came it was despite and NOT because of him.

I adore hearing men moan, and dirty talk will eventually make me want to jump them. But with this guy, I was already lucky if I could feel him breathe heavily.  In the beginning, he once licked and fingered me, so I knew the craft was there. He just stopped using it after I opened up and became more giving.

Just before I went on a month-long journey to Thailand I convinced him to record a little sex tape with me. This snippet saved me in the first days of travelling until I realized that even though Thailand blocks p*rn sites, it can’t detect sexy clips on Twitter. And boy, are those explicit. So I guess he was good for something.

Tobi, 38, Swiss

We have a lovely affair for about a year that goes like this: Every two weeks I go to his house, he cooks for me, then we are each other’s dessert.

He’s a creative and sensitive person, which is usually a good mix for sexual relations with me. Sadly he’s too idealistic and woke to dominate me. Every time I ask him to slap my ass, he hesitates because he hates patriarchy. But he’s bendable. In the end, he’s fine thrusting his dick in my mouth while I am on all four in front of him. As I said, I’m an artist and in this instance, the material was really worth it.

We only have anal once. A weird unsexy smell lies in the air which leads to my anal paranoia later on.

I am sad when he falls in love with another girl and stops cooking for me. I had just mended him to leave his feminism out of my bed. I prefer my version that celebrates s*x instead of curbing it.

Ruben, 37, Portuguese

‍We meet a the libertines club that would turn my sex world upside down forever. If you never heard of a libertines club, the owner explained it to me as follows: ‘You can do whatever you like. If you want to be banged by seven men here, nobody will stop or judge you.’ A lust island in the middle of the conservative Portuguese sea.

Ruben is one of the club’s promoters, so trust me, he’s seen and done a lot.

On top of that he’s a big dicked actor. I get along very well with artists of any kind, so we start a mingly-dingly affair. It’s as if two Greek sex gods meet. Cause I’ve seen and done a lot too.

We both love marihuana, which makes me horny af and numbs my choking reflex. l remember that we took a picture of my bruised tongue once. Go figure.It’s as if he has sucked the mojo out of all of my German ex-boyfriends and concentrated it in his hips.

Until he starts caring for me, teaching me Portuguese, driving me around, bitching at my annoying roommate. That in combination with the big dick makes me fall in love with him.

Did you see Nymphomaniac? When Joe (with pronoun her) falls in love with Shia Labouf but can’t come anymore? It was kind of like that. I spoiled my perfect fuck doll simply because emotions got in the way.

Pascal, 35, German with Russian roots

When we start dating, my expectations are low. I had to make him drunk with 3 bottles of wine until we finally kissed for the first time. We literally met every evening for six days in a row. And nothing happened. I feel like a moth dancing around the light bulb, so the three bottles had to take care of it in the end.

But when the pandora is out of the box, she rages. I have tons of beautiful memories in my head of us fucking our way through my apartment: on the washing machine, toilet, yoga mat, my roommate’s bed, and so on. During this time I discover my love for dirty talk and role play and he does with me.

-He really enjoys fucking me as Angelica the librarian, Mandy, the gum chewing little slut and Mia, the art student.

Things look dandy until our romance arrives a reality after 6 months. His depression doesn’t exactly inspire me to think of new characters for role-play. I go to Iberia instead and become a stripper.